The Six Relatives You’ll Encounter During A Cryptocurrency Thanksgiving

Over the last year, cryptocurrencies have enjoyed a wild ride. Even modest investments have paid off handsomely. But a fat hardware wallet won’t necessarily make this Thursday any easier. As you sit down to a hearty Thanksgiving dinner, here are the six relatives you will encounter. Prepare yourself – and your turkey – for one hard fork.

1.      Your Mom

“That’s great, honey,” remains your mom’s standard response to any big news. From scoring your dream job to winning a vacation package in a radio contest, nothing seems to faze your mom – and your newfound cryptocurrency wealth hasn’t changed a thing. Mom’s just happy that you’re in town for the holidays and she’s focused on sticking it to your grandma by making the perfect meal. It’s 80 degrees inside the house (and trust me, a cryptocurrency trader like you knows the heat), but like clockwork, Mom will tell you to put on a sweatshirt. And, she will keep on reminding you to call your Aunt Alice and Uncle Bob for their anniversary. But after everybody’s fed and the family has settled in for the evening, Mom will be sure to ask what “this whole Ethereum craziness” is all about anyway. She heard rumors about a boy genius and wonders if her retirement account could use a little boost.

2.      Your Dad

Dad is another story altogether. Since Dad is a staunch bitcoin maximalist, you don’t dare to mention Ethereum within earshot. He’s only been mining since mid-2016, but Dad acts like Satoshi was a personal friend. To him, the cancellation of Segwit2x was more heartbreaking than the Dodgers losing game 7 of the World Series. So, let’s forget about selling him on Casper and Constantinople. And don’t even try to make a joke about putting “Buterin the cornbread.” Dad’s not having any of your “Ethereum crap.”

3.      Your Sister

Sure, she’s switched her major like eight times, but your sister is absolutely convinced that she’s going to stick with computer science (the third time around). So, for the millionth time, you beg her to please, please, please learn Solidity. After all, at all the crypto events you went to this year, people were literally handing out flyers promising $250,000 salaries and more! But alas, your sister still needs to learn the basics of Python … and, she says, there’s a really cool art exhibit she wants to visit. Your sister might be an East Coast gal now, but New York Agreement sounds like a bunch of hot air to her.  *Sigh* Maybe one day she’ll learn the programming language of the future.

4.      Your Grandpa

This came out of left field. Somehow your grandfather, a retired mathematician, says he came across bitcoin way back in 2011. He was one of the earliest members of Bitcoin Talk, and – he confides in you – he actually purchased some bitcoin back when it was just a few dollars apiece (“Maybe a nice little nest egg for the family, eh?”). In fact, Gramps even corresponded with the legendary Hal Finney! Of course, you remember your grandfather teaching you Sudoku growing up, but you never imagined that the chess-playing, gardening-enthusiast patriarch would be so hip to the financial future. Get ‘em, Gramps!

5.      Your Crazy Uncle

Oh, goodness. He found you … Your Uncle Dorian heard through the grapevine that Vitalik Buterin once replied to one of your reddit comments. And now, three eggnogs deep, Uncle Dorian is pitching some bizarre precious metal-backed token offering (ICO). All he needs is 10 ETH of seed funding, Vitalik’s Twitter handle, and your kidney (kidding!) – but seriously, if you could help him write the whitepaper, he’ll be sure to get you an extra nice gift. It’ll all pay off once the token offering is done. Also, he promises, he’s “so over” that bitcoin ATM phase … Please. Somebody. Help!

6.      Your Cousin

Your cousin’s a bit older, so the two of you have never really been able to talk seriously. But now that you’re a young professional, she perks up when you mention your interest in cryptocurrency. (What better way to bond than over bitcoin?!) And would you believe it, she wants to get your input about building an Ethereum mining rig. You’re going to look so cool! As you rattle off the hottest GPUs and the merits of overclocking, suddenly you hear a commotion in the kitchen. You run through the swinging door to find Uncle Dorian staggering away from the oven. Somehow, the turkey burst and the stuffing your mom spent three days preparing is plastered across the wallpaper.

We’ll see how the rest of the holidays go.

Note: Although cryptocurrencies have done notably well, this is not investment advice; past performance is no guarantee of future results.